then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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