I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
