you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
