it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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