The maid of honor just puked.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
