My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
