i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
