I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
