I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
