I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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