she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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