The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
