she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
