Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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