So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
