i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
