I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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