This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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