I wanna bring you to show and tell
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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