Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
