Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
