Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize