Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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