dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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