i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Randomize
