I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
