True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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