So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
