I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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