Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
