there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize