i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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