May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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