her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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