You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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