i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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