I have demons in me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
