you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
