My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
