Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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