there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
soo... how was my night?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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