I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
