When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
