Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
our cab driver is having phone sex.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize