Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
