I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
