I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
