go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
