Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize