From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
