Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
