so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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