I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize