new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
