I'm so fucking centered right now
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
