I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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