probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
