Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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