Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
