I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
