you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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