When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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